Stupid prostate tricks

Okay, when last we spoke I was musing about my balls taking on a modest ache if I went went 4-5 days without orgasm. This was odd, sure, especially since I don't get many spontaneous erections because of the bupropion. Well, the point I want to focus on here was my offhand comment that once the ache set in, orgasm felt "like a kick in the balls." Imagine my concern when Legs had her way with me one evening, and without any preceding ache, orgasm felt like a kick in the balls. Ouch. Not a hard kick, mind you. I didn't double-over in agony like you see in those wacky comedies when someone takes a football to the groin. But then again, even a modest tap to the testicles is best avoided.

The next day, without any desire or Legs' nudity to distract me, I took my cock in hand and induced orgasm. Hey, I thought as the wave crested, this feels pretty good... then ejaculation happened and ruined my joy. Holy hell, each spasm of my prostate was like being stabbed with an ice pick. Without Legs to distract me, it was much worse. I tried it a couple more times over the next day or so, with similar results. Folks, ejaculation ain't supposed to hurt. Fortunately, there was no blood in my semen, but even so, the internet informed me that there were several possibilities for my symptoms, almost all of them resulting in certain death. Reluctantly, I made an appointment with Dr. Jellyfinger (hint: "Digital prostate exam" has nothing to do with computers). Turns out my prostate is "boggy" with a pretty massive bacterial infection taking up the entire right side. I got a nice prescription for doxycycline and instructions to avoid the sun and eat plenty of yogurt to mitigate the damage it'll do to my GI tract. With luck, he said, I'd be back to normal in a week and we'd discontinue any additional dosage. Yeah, well, three weeks later and orgasm still brings pain. Not much, mind you, just a little twinge at the end, right about the point where I start thinking that maybe I'm finally free of the unwanted ouch. Just a little jab, right there to tell me, "Nope, you're not quite done yet." This means, of course, the infection was severe and well-established, meaning I'll have to get an additional prescription of that damn doxycycline to make sure the stubborn infection is completely cleared from my prostate and anywhere else it may be hiding.

The moral of this story is, of course, that coming isn't supposed to hurt. Ejaculation's supposed to be a pleasant thing. Sex--solo or with a partner--should have a happy ending unmarred by caveats from the nether regions. So any guy experiencing not-right symptoms should check with a doctor.

On the bright side, my PSA levels are low, so I've got no sign of prostate cancer. That, I'll take.

Blue balls?

When I was a teenager and first started dating, I got the most unbelievably painful cases of blue balls ever. Not that I'd ever heard that term or really understood all guys experienced this to one degree or another. If I was lucky enough for a girl to agree to spend time with me, hell, I'd get rock hard hours before the date in anticipation and stand at attention throughout, just in case she wanted to go out for more than just dinner and a movie. Of course, 95% of the time things never progressed farther than a kiss. I was painfully self-conscious, and desperate not to make a mistake that might offend her. Which meant that I never made any moves, and rarely had second dates. I was awkward and boring. But OH! how I hurt afterwards--barely able to walk. Jacking off afterward for relief was almost as bad, because ejaculation felt like a kick in the balls. After high school, I got much better at reading women's signals (thank goodness!) and discomfort quickly became a non-issue.

I bring this up because until this past year, I'd not thought about blue balls since then (where the hell did that name come from anyway? I'm pretty darn sure I've never witnessed any color change). I'd also assumed the pain was a result of prolonged erections--one of the reasons why priapism is such a burden to those who suffer from that condition. But I've come to realized blue balls can result from prolonged periods of no erections as well. My recent bout of depressed libido has resulted in Legs and myself going two weeks at a stretch without any kind of sex. That's partly because of her busy schedule but mostly my lack of desire. After about five days, I've noticed a deep ache that's mild at first, but grows progressively stronger each day I ignore it. All this time, I'll not have even a hint of an erection--not even the ubiquitous "morning wood." Eventually it'll hurt enough that I have to deal with it, either solo or with Legs. And damn if ejaculation doesn't feel like a kick in the balls.

Fortunately, my libido is showing signs of emerging from its recent dormancy, so this particular problem shouldn't be an issue for the near future. But still, how fucked up is it that lack of libido can lead to blue balls? I tell you, getting old sucks in all kinds of ways I never fathomed.